Personal issues? 0_o

Some people won't be there for you for the whole life, they will have an influence, they will remain a mark in your soul and go away.

All this post may sound inappropriate (all my blog may sound inappropriate), but all the things in this story happened through the internet and were affected by it.

It would be needed to say that I am twenty I and as a large part of my age people I am facing “a quarter-life crisis” In popular psychology, a quarter-life crisis is a crisis "involving anxiety over the direction and quality of one's life" which is most commonly experienced in a period ranging from a person's twenties up to their mid-thirties. It is a “period of insecurity, doubt, and disappointment surrounding your career, relationships, and financial situation". This face-to-face meeting with reality does not always go smoothly – you can feel lost, scared, lonely or confused. 20-year-olds acutely feel the contradiction between the need for intimacy and the fear of losing oneself, dissolving into a partner. As a result, an idealized perception of childhood and adolescence arises, nostalgia for them and regret about the opportunities missed during that “golden time”.

 All this information I found today while searching for an explanation of the crisis I experienced for the last two years. 2019 was a horrible year – full of disappointment, anxiety, and thoughts like “Should I Stay or Should I Go”? I think going on ERASMUS+ to Tampere was the wisest decision of all time, because there was no one who would know me and I could stay in peace with myself and think consciously about all that happened earlier within two years.

To tell something about the person which I lost during this year I was inspired by an exhibition I attended this Friday. Created by Hannamari Shakya – she is a solutions-focused professional with a comprehensive background in the field of documentary photography and film. Her interests are in social justice, human rights, and socially engaged visual media. “He called me a sparrow” is the most personal and demanding of her work. In his series of works, she deals with the untreated trauma of her family and the subsequent burden shift, and their effects on family life. In her series she has worked on her feelings and events regarding her own growth story; I saw her being emotional and sincere about the things affected her life – she is brave to tell people how struggles changed her family, to tell how you can deal with it.

In early 2015 I was that kind of teenager that won’t go out and talk to someone. A girl who loves to read, dream and listen to the music and that is where she appeared. All four years we haven’t got a chance to meet – she lived in the 2,000 kilometers from me, but in the same time zone, so we could chat within hours. It was addictive to talk to her – I found my soulmate, even though she was eleven years elder than me, about her age she once told me: “I’m 15 in my soul and I’m not growing up. And My cockroaches eat candy floss.” Now I can agree with that – some people just don’t want to grow up.

It is really important that someone is always by your side to support and sometimes say that you are doing something wrong. She was the one to help me go through high school problems, to choose the university.

“Those dreams have been replaced by other dreams. I won’t stop dreaming. Otherwise, this world will destroy me, crush me with the problems and reality.” – she said it in 2015 back then I could not think that I would experience loss of all the dreams, that I will face reality and problems I caused. Now I can see that she fenced off from the whole world after unsuccessful attempts to fulfill dreams. I appreciated her choices and loved my friend more than school friends or my boyfriend. At some point, we broke up being unable to hear each other, because of the gap between our realities. I’m writing it about because of the awaked will to talk to her, to apologize, but on the other hand, I can’t imagine that two so distant people can understand each other.

I think, that my “a quarter-life crisis” is a perfect example of this phenomenon. The thing I love and a the same time hate about myself – everything that happens in my life I form as a story and imagine as a book, movie or more often as a screenplay, so it makes it easier for me to share thoughts(sometimes).

Notes and Emotions on the situation when "to talk" is the only option:

07/11/2019

You know, I thought for a long time about what I want to say today. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m not sure in any thoughts and words, but if I don’t write it down, it will only get worse.

Yesterday morning, while working, I was talking with my brother about random things, discussing completely different thoughts and facts. At some point, I realized what I was doing - driving away important thoughts. On the way back home, I tried to visualize what was happening in my head for several hours’ yesterday and today.

- I occupy a larger area than you think. Every time I think, I feel a huge space in my head - this is the world, a whole network of connections. And today I tried to hide a thought from this world, and it is big, now and then it looms in the periphery of vision.

- How looming? - asked the brother.

- I once watched a video where the professor explained to students at the exhibition how gravity and the whole universe works as a system. A trampoline stood in front of the professor, but the trampoline fabric was not as elastic as a real trampoline capable of supporting a person’s weight. It was something like the frame of a round table on which elastic fabric was stretched. The professor threw balls on the fabric and they all rolled down to the very center. So he showed the force of gravity. At some point, he picked up a fabric that obscured the view from below and indicated the deformation of the fabric. The ball violated the existence of matter. As far as I remember, this visualization explained not only gravity and spiral motion of the universe. This performance at the moment as much as possible characterizes what is happening to me. A ball - an annoying thought haunts me - violates the usual life of matter, but there are too many such balls in my head. Every detail pulls my state down - distorts perception.

Here I would like to explain a different image that exists in my head and claims to be one of the weightiest balls.

Now I walk down the street and the evening is very cold, but it throws me into a shiver from the assumption of the thought itself, of its existence. I could talk about it easier, I could write without introduction, comparisons and long sentences, but to me, unfortunately, it's easier.

Everything has a cause and effect. I have a reason to be here and a significant role in my life situation was played by several people. Both in the script and life, there are turning points – people affecting our lives are these turning points.

07/21/2019

I opened our chat in search of my old cover and immediately remembered - you made it. I almost burst into tears, understanding what I want to do. I want to return to the time when we talked for hours when we trusted each other. I wouldn’t be myself without you. I want to talk to you, but now it’s impossible - there is a huge gap between us, which is simply impossible to fill. Without even talking, you are and there is a misunderstanding, there is an awkward silence.

08/14/19

I want to write more often. You can not even imagine. Initially, I wanted to write why we don’t communicate, why everything happens as it happens. Believe it, do not believe it, but I think about it every day. I had a sense of integrity when we talked.

In the last months, we do not communicate. So, I already said that. But I feel your presence in what I say, how I speak, what I do.

Those with whom I do not communicate so closely, express the idea that they say I look confident, strong and brave. You know that I'm not like that. But even if there is an appearance of confidence - because of you. If it weren’t about your support, I wouldn’t go to university, I wouldn’t finish school that well, I wouldn't have Photoshop skills, at least, I wouldn’t know how to form dialogs correctly.

At some point, I began to sink to the bottom, not understanding the reason, in search of myself, I met with reality. With the impracticability of my childish dreams, I faced head-on with my naivety. At university, one girl called me a bitch, and that very evening you said that I became angry.

It was very painful.

After a couple of weeks, I broke up with my boyfriend and it seemed - I was free. Fly like a bird. But no. Complexes began to grow, there were more questions. Everything that he ever said turned into a rebuke - you are not perfect, but you should become one.

In the ears, a “bitch” rang from one person and “spiteful” from a loved one.

Then the cleaning began. I cut the threads of communication with everyone with whom I spoke before. It seemed that if I stayed alone I would be free.

For the first time in my life, nightmares began to occur. I met my twentieth birthday in a depressed, clearly not healthy state. My new friend tried to help me, she arranged my birthday, tried to distract me in every possible way, called in the evenings, pulled out for a walk and gave me not only a chance to speak out, but she also talked out.

When I arrived home in June, I had a panic attack. I was shaking and it seemed that I was going to die. For several days I was scared.

Every evening I thought - I need to talk with you. I need to find out how you are doing, I need to get distracted.

I began to write a short story, taking my nightmares and experiences as a basis. This short story is chaos.

Contradictions.

Our beliefs have always diverged. We found a compromise, but so sluggish that the echoes of our first argument stretched to the very end. I remember that after that first quarrel in May 2017, I first went outside to run and walk. It was my challenge to myself. Before that, I did not go for a walk.

I always felt that some of our beliefs were the opposite, and when I began to become myself - a walking contradiction to your beliefs - it became even more difficult. As I said, my matter is deformed and I know that even after saying everything I want to matter, dents will remain and I will always remember who tried to pry out the sculpture from a piece of clay. I'm still a raw piece.14.08.19

08/17/19

I sit and pack my suitcase. I'm flying to Finland today. I went to my page in wattpad and our project came out in recommendations. You deleted all your works.

I was dumbfounded for a second. Well, apparently I wasn't the only one thinking about all this.

I am very tired and I understand that it’s even more difficult for you. You are tired and disappointed. Unfortunately, until I remove this annoying thought from sight - I can’t move on. I can’t help you with anything.